Fear Redux

I've posted about fear before. The fear you feel when you're diagnosed with a life-threatening or chronic illness, and the fear you have to live with when your treatment is over; or, in the case of Parkinson's Disease, the fear of the unknown -- when and how the disease will progress.

Sunday I found a lump.  On my right side, my first mastectomy site.  The surgeons can never remove all of the breast tissue, and this lump was right over where the remaining tissue could be.  It was hard, like a beebee -- just like the first two.

It was a cyst.  It was drained on Monday but not until after the fear overtook me and led me down a road I so didn't want to visit.  Here are two videos: one after I found the lump, and one after I found out it wasn't cancer.  Fear is my enemy.

Sayonara, 2012

It seems that 2012 was an annus horribilus for many people I know.  Illness, death, loss, and despair seemed to dominate.  Getting older is a double-edged sword; I get wiser and more content and comfortable in my own skin, but I also get closer to the more permanent events of life.  Coming full circle, as they say.

2012 held for me the continuation of many difficulties, the beginning of some, and yes, the end of others.  I'm sure I've mentioned them one too many times and I try very hard not to dwell on them.  But it seems that serious and tragic events have dominated my life, and that of those whom I love, for far too long.

On a bigger and immeasurable scale are the tragedies we all have suffered this year.  The mass shootings at an elementary school, a movie theater, a Sikh temple in Wisconsin, and at an intentionally-set fire in small town New York.  The enormous suffering of the victims of Hurricane Sandy and the ongoing loss of so many young heroes as they fight for......?.   My heart has broken so many times this year.

Yet we all march on, embraced by the constant belief that tomorrow will be better than today.  What choice do we have?  Eternal pessimism?  Ignoring the inevitable and the unpredictable?  What kind of life is that?   We take the good with the bad and for me that is never more true than now, as I near the precipice of the big 6-0.

Back to my small part of the world.  I'm about done with the bumps in the road.  I've crossed more than my fair share.  Nevertheless, knowing that life marches on and my future is completely unknown, there will undoubtedly be more sadness and loss for me and those I love.  That circle of life thing. 

So I have plans for 2013.  I'm going to take more chances.   I'm going to look forward to the future, rather than being afraid of it.  I'm going to cautiously embrace things that used to scare me (except for snakes). I'm going to fill the empty spaces of time with things that I like to do.  I know with certainty that my circle is not yet full.

So in the immortal words of Timon and Pumba, hakunah matata.  A Happy New Year to all.

To further motivate me I've made flight reservations to Everest!!  LAX to Bangkok, spend a few days there, Bangkok to Katmandu, up the hill, down the hill, Katmandu to LAX.  Woo hoo!

Ok people, I'm going on another group hike tomorrow.

 "Lake Shore Trail (Easy 3.3mile Scenic Hike)"

I hope the highlighted words will be further defined in my favor.  Of course, I'll provide details after the adventure.  Keep good thoughts!

Today I went to a round table discussion sponsored by the Michael J. Fox Foundation for Parkinson's Research.  It was fascinating. There are so many things on the horizon, and the Foundation is just pouring money into the research.  Keep the faith!

O. M. G.  First training hike today.  Wait for videos.  You will NOT believe what a day I had.  If it wasn't so damn funny I'd be crying.

Putting my lame-ass, old lady body through training.  Not a pretty sight, but hey.  Every bit helps!

One last post for today

I love the National Breast Cancer Foundation, the sponsor of my lifeline website, www.beyondtheshock.com.  The NBCF has created an app that is amazing.  Take a look!

 RANDOM AND IRRELEVANT THOUGHTS OF THE DAY, BUT WHO'S ASKING?

I've always liked watching TV, but when I was first diagnosed with Parkinson's and during surgery and treatment for breast cancer, TV was my best friend.  So ok, I'm addicted.  (Gotta have one vice!)

• I admit it -- I'm totally addicted to reality TV.  Bravo is MY channel.  The Housewives of (whatever) are my absolute favorite!  What a bunch of train wrecks.  Chick fights galore and lots of high school-like arguments and relationships.  The Shahs of Sunset is a hoot. 

• On TruTV I like Hardcore Pawn, about a pawn shop in the Six Mile area of Detroit.  Oh, the drama!  And of course, all of the talent contests: American Idol, The X Factor, The Voice (my favorite), So You Think You Can Dance.  There are others but I've embarrassed myself enough.

• Do you watch Homeland on Showtime?  THE BEST show on television by far.  If you watch it, do you think Damian Lewis's mouth is a little small for his face?

• I am a hardcore glued-to-the-set sports fan.  In addition to the regular stuff I even watch golf and NASCAR (there's a real strategy to it!).  August to April is fabulous.  Football (college and pro), baseball playoffs, basketball (mostly pro until March Madness), and NHL hockey (except for this season -- both sides are a bunch of selfish babies. The season is a wash.)  

• Then we hit summer and Washington Nationals baseball.  Mark my words -- World Series by 2015.  Yep, it's a long season but have you ever REALLY watched baseball? There's a strategy to it!  (Heard that before?) I used to score games when I lived in California.  We had season tickets and there is nothing more relaxing than sitting in the sun just down the 3rd base line with a score sheet in your lap.  I was at the park when Barry Bonds broke the home run record (the cheating bum).  It was magic.

Ok, that's it for today. 

Good Sunday morning!  The saga continues.  Fear can get the best of you when you're faced with an incurable disease or a life-threatening illness.  Here's how I look at it.

(p.s. Once I'm done with the serious stuff some humor will enter the fray - I promise!)

I forgot something.  My new-found friends and I have agreed to exchange itineraries with an eye toward meeting up in Nepal.  Here's a copy of my itinerary for all to peruse!  AND - BY THE WAY - SEE OCTOBER 26?  REACH BASE CAMP?  MY 58TH BIRTHDAY!!